Finding My True Stride

I am a runner.  Not the physical, race-type runner (I get winded after one block), but a runner just the same. I am really good at running away from things. I feel like maybe I’ve mastered the art of running from who I am.

I am an artist. I know this for sure. But it is the one thing I am most scared of. It’s like I know I have all this creativity inside dying to be cultivated, but sometimes I can’t seem to move! And so instead of trying to work on my artistic vision, I run away from it.

Let me explain: Being an artist takes both discipline and honesty. Both are necessary to cultivate my passion of singing and songwriting, and both are things from which I run.

As far as discipline goes, sometimes my mind is bombarded with thoughts of how I should have spent my time to truly develop my craft.  Like this morning. I know I should have sat down and played 15 scales on the piano before I did anything else, or I know I should be more disciplined to take risks and mess around with different writing forms. But I didn’t because it is work. My stubbornness tells me that I don’t want to sit down in front of the piano, and that I don’t want to see those keys begging me to create something of meaning. So, I ran from the hard work. And running breeds self-doubt within myself. I start doubting if I can still do the scales well or if my experimentation with new forms of writing will lead to anything good. Sometimes I question if I even like what I do.

I also run from the honesty part of being an artist. One thing I do as an artist is write. And songwriting, for it to be truly meaningful, needs to come from a place of vulnerability, a place of being totally stripped and of being able to feel as deeply as possible. It means being completely aware of myself and having confidence in my own experiences. Trusting my voice. Trusting that I actually have something to say. This part is what is so scary. I run away from doing the internal work to produce something for people. I run because of self-doubt. Doubt that I won’t be honest with myself. Doubt that my honesty won’t be enough for others. My time is spent watching others, rather than sitting down and doing the dirty work of being vulnerable.  I find every excuse to not discover or create.

But I’m tired of running.

I used to think I could do anything and write anything and be relatively satisfied. But because I run from both my discipline and honesty, I’ve felt a lack of creativity for the past year. And it hasn’t been fun. Feels like I’ve lost some connection with myself because I haven’t created in a while.

It’s like I know I have this idea of what others expect out of me and what I expect of myself, and most of the time I don’t measure up. My pride says I don’t want to produce anything but beauty and genius, but I know I have to sort through the garbage first. I desire for my work to count, for it to hold some meaning, but it certainly won’t be perfect every time. Everything is a work in progress, and the truth is that I have to start somewhere. I have to stop running. I have to stop running from myself and realize there is still time to change.

The next time I am tempted to run from either hard work or authentic expression, I will STOP a sec, CATCH my breath and ask…Am I running out of fear? Am I running because I’m afraid I’m not good enough?  If the answer is yes, then it’s time to turn around and face my fears head on so that I can overcome them.

Change doesn’t happen overnight, but I’ve decided to hang up my running shoes and try just the same. Who knows, maybe I’ll actually learn to find my true stride.

My name is Andrea Rizzo. I’ve been with STONES for 12 years. I’ve studied music in Chicago, and I now currently live on Hilton Head Island in South Carolina, engaged to be married! I sing a little, dance a little and laugh a little. My heart desires to see generations of women and young girls know their worth, and I know the message of STONES is doing just that.

I am NOT the SAME

The same. You are, and always will be, the same. You will continue to struggle with the SAME insecurities. You will always be the SAME height. You will maintain the SAME character flaws. You will constantly fluctuate the SAME weight. It seems like you will forever be the SAME person.

When I was in middle school, I hated my teeth. They were crooked, big, and stuck out past my lips. I am pretty sure every person in the world has something they hate about their body. I am also confident that we have all been taught that it’s what’s on the “inside” that matters most…easier said then done.

Struggling with my outward appearance seems juvenile to me. I just want to get over it already. I want to win the battle and move on to the next. But just when I think I am winning, something else pops up. For example, I had to learn to let the teeth thing go; they could only be fixed by braces to a certain point, and I had to accept the fact they would always be crooked, always be big—they were, after all, MY teeth. I had to have an attitude of gratitude: “At least you have teeth,” I would tell myself. As I continued to grow into a woman, my teeth are less and less of an issue. I did it! I WON! My outward appearance does not define me! I am above all insecurities! I LOVE MYSELF just the way I AM!

I wish….

As soon as I thought I got over my teeth, I noticed what was below my mouth—my short stocky body. Then my body shape became my next stone. When I got over that, it was my hair…then my fingers…then my voice…then my height…the list goes on and on. It’s a never ending ride I can’t get off.

The truth is—it’s not the stone itself that bothers me. It’s the fact that I am struggling with it at all! Every time I give a stone weight in my life, it takes me back to that same 9 year-old girl who hated her teeth, and I think to myself, “have you really not grown or changed in the past 11 years? Are you STILL struggling with your body image? GET OVER IT ALREADY! This is your life. This is your body. Deal with it. Stop throwing a pity party and move on with your life.”

Well, I wish it was that easy. I wish I could just rise above it all and come to terms with WHO I am and move on. I wish I wouldn’t struggle with the SAME stone over and over again. Every time I “overcome” my stone, I find it back in my life as quickly as I get rid of it.

So the question is why? More importantly, why am I so bothered the stone remains the same?

I think we all want to believe we are changing and growing. Our bodies continue to change as we grow, and we undoubtedly age through the years. But the thought of being in the same place bothers me, because it means I am not accomplishing anything, or that I have not moved on to the next “step” in my life. Dealing with the same stones means that I have not grown or learned how to overcome. Well, that’s a lie, a big fat LIE. We are all changing. We will go through trials and tribulations. And it is through those challenging moments we gain experience and wisdom to move forward, to face the same stones with a different perspective, and to realize that we are not the same.

There will never be a point in my life when I will no longer struggle, when I will be above all my stones, or when I will no longer have ANY problems. We live in an imperfect world, and we are imperfect people. It’s not the stone that shows how far I’ve come, it’s how I handle it that shows my growth. I know I might struggle with how my body looks till the end of time, but I won’t let the fact that I struggle bother me forever. I could be 80 years old and still have the SAME stones, but how I choose to look at that stone and how I choose to deal with it will NOT be the same.

Yes, I struggled with my body image when I was 9 years-old. Yes, I currently struggle with my body image, and I am 20 years old. But I am not the SAME girl I was, because when I was 9 I handled that stone like a child, and today I don’t.  My stone is the SAME, but I am not.

My name is Beamer. I am 20 years old and live in Charlevoix, Michigan with my husband. I am deeply passionate about STONES, and have been a part of the team since the start. Making people laugh is my “job” and I am committed to spreading a positive message to women of all ages through my Vlogs and Blogs. I deal with my own personal stones daily, and if by sharing my struggles I’m able to help someone else, then it’s worth it!

The Stone of Jealousy

I was exhausted. After a long night of studying, I sat down to take my Government test. The sound of pencils tapping on desks created a nervous energy. Occasional sighs echoed through the room, and the tick-tick-tick of the clock served as a reminder that time was running out. As the bell rang, I turned my test into the cold wire basket. I felt relief that it was over. It was a tough test, but I felt pretty darn good about it.

A couple days later the teacher returned the tests.

“How did you do?” asked Chris. He was a good friend out of class, but in class he was my academic nemesis. I was always trying to get a better grade than him.

“An 88,” I said reluctantly. I wasn’t thrilled that a B was sprawled over the top of my paper, but I was confident I did better than Chris. “How about you?”

“I got an 89!”

I dropped my head. Jealousy burned within me. It never mattered how hard I studied. Never. I was always one point behind him. This pattern continued through the entirety of my high school career. My best wasn’t good enough. And when I didn’t measure up, jealousy took over my mind. It consumed me. More than that….it was suffocating.

The stone of jealousy weighed me down in high school academically. It kept me from truly celebrating my successes. And I found the sharp edges of this stone scraping away at other areas of my life. Socially, I never felt as funny as ________, or fashionable as _______, or pretty as ________, or talented as __________. (Dear reader, I’m sure you can fill in the blanks…I’m sure all girls could fill in their own blanks of feeling inadequate or feeling JEALOUS of someone else). Looking back on my high school self, I realize how much time I spent focusing on others and feeling jealous of them. I was always jealous. I tried to maintain an exterior that exuded confidence, but inside I felt small, unimportant, insignificant.I might not have said it to my friends or let anyone know, but I was always jealous.

The stone of jealousy was destructive in my life. Sadly, it was a stone I gave myself. I stopped being thankful for the good things in my life. I forgot my positive attributes. I failed to recognize that my best was good enough. I shut out the voices of the people I loved who were telling me daily that I was enough.

Even at 27 years old, I feel this old stone. The other day a girlfriend of mine told me she and her husband are in the process of building their own home. And I am talking a DREAM HOME—granite counter tops, custom cabinetry, a two-way fireplace. And I am nowhere near in a position to have those things. Instead of being completely happy for her, I just felt jealous. I stopped being content with the things I have and focused on what I didn’t.

As I think back on the occasions in which I feel the most jealous, I see that this stone affects me in two ways:

• I become jealous of others’ characteristics (kinder, smarter, funnier, more athletic, more faithful. etc.)

OR

• I become jealous of what others have—material things.

When I start to feel jealous of others’ characteristics, I have to refocus outside of myself. I have learned to celebrate others’ strengths. Instead of thinking Oh, she is a WAY better writer than me, I would say Your writing is really meaningful. There is always going to be someone who seems to have it all together in the areas in which I feel I am lacking, so I celebrate that strength. I acknowledge and compliment someone of whom I become jealous. It takes the focus of me and requires me to show kindness and encouragement. Trust me, it feels better to think of others.

When I become jealous of what others have, I have to remind myself that things truly do not matter. They just don’t. It is hard to feel that way when our culture tries to sell us everything and anything. We are inundated with ads to buy more and have more. So instead of being wrapped up in that, instead of being jealous of my friend’s new house, I make a list of things for which I am thankful:

My family.

My daughter.

My husband.

My best friends.

Laughter.

Music.

Writing.

The beach.

Campfires and deep conversation.

Notice this list is not made up of things.

It’s people.

It’s memories.

My list is made up of things that make me come alive.

By celebrating others’ strengths and making lists of things that are most important to me, I refocus on what does matter in life: kindness matters, love matters, joy matters. I cannot live in a place of jealousy. I must choose to live in a place of contentment, a place of satisfaction, a place of confidence.

If I could go back to that moment when I was jealous of Chris’s grade, I would have congratulated him on doing well. I would have been content with the grade I received because I knew I put forth my best effort. I would have walked away, my head held high, with full knowledge that my value does not lie in a grade on a test. My value lies in myself and in how I treat others.

The next time I feel that stone of jealousy, I must realize that I HAVE ENOUGH. I AM ENOUGH.

My name is Jacky Chadwick, and I grew up in Charlevoix, MI. My husband Kevin and I have a silly, loving, energetic, one-year-old daughter with whom we are completely in love. Currently we live in sunny Naples, FL. I am a teacher at heart and taught high school English for the last three years.

As a teacher, I saw so many students struggle with their identity and feelings of worthlessness, and as a woman who has struggled with similar feelings, I am passionate about the STONES’ message: You are enough, and you are not alone.  And that is what I hope you feel from this blog…a little less alone and a little more alive.